Listening to Sappy Songs...

...Really doesn't help.

I finally heard from SG last week. I was too crushed to write about it when it happened and I guess I felt like if I didn't blog about it, maybe it wasn't really happening. When he called I went cold and felt sick to my stomach. How could he call me after 6 days, and a ruined vacation? What would he actually have to say? I thought for sure I would never hear from him again.

He claimed his phone had gotten lost and a bunch of other excuses that I don't believe. I now know the truth just from talking to him. He started off telling me that he was going back to his ex because she had built her life around him, and he hadn't really given 100% and that wasn't fair. That my reader(s) is total bullshit. He's scared she's going to pull out of the house, and leave him stuck with a proverbial albatross. I told him exactly what I believed and he didn't deny it. It said he feels like he is in prison, and it's not fair to me. He's right. I knew that we couldn't be together right now, but I had hoped that some miracle would happen and we could be together sooner rather than later. Instead he chose to push me away. I know in his heart he didn't mean to hurt me, he was just scared and overwhelmed and thought he was doing what was best for me. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. It's not for me to say. I know he doesn't want to see me run off into the sunset with someone else, and I know that I have to give him the distance he needs, but I miss him so very much.

I didn't back down though. I told him just how much he had hurt me, and how he made me look like a fool. He said he understood why I would hate him. However, I don't hate him. I love him. I still love him. I didn't love the one before... I just fell in love with the idea of him, because when the Brit left, I wasn't crushed. This time... I am. I ache for my friend, and the person I grew to love so quickly. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart and I am angry. I am angry that he chose to stay with her... not because he went back to her... but because I know in his heart he wants me.. and he will hurt her. I actually feel more sorry for her than I do myself. She thinks he is back in her life, and they are going to live happily ever after in this nice big house, with their dog... He won't stay. He will always be looking for "something else". If it's not me, then it will be someone else. You can't build a life on a lie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting involved with him, I am sorry for letting my guard down. I am sorry for letting myself get so unabashedly hurt that I can't get through a day without crying, and listening to "All By Myself" over and over. I'm sorry I didn't run to his door when he lived here and throw my arms around him and tell him I thought he was amazing.

The sad thing is I met someone, local, and available just a day ago. We went out and had a real date. We had a great date actually. We spent the day together at The Colony Days parade, lunch, and then we met up later to go out because he wanted to hear me sing. He seems nice and REALLY interested. He wanted to see me again tonight so I invited him to church, and he came along. We had a nice time, and I know that he wanted to do something after, but I turned him down. As much as I wanted to I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I would hurt SG if I went out with someone else. I know that it's crazy. I know I need to get out there and get over SG... but I don't want to. I don't want to get OVER him. I don't want him to get over me. I want to open my door and see him living in #4.

What I really want... is a magic wand.

I Should Have Known Better

Once Again a fool...

I feel so insanely depressed right now. You know I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I'm not sure what's worse... feeling like the person you love doesn't even care about you anymore, or having to face everyone of your friends and family, and telling them that yet again you made a mistake when it came to a man. I really believed he was a chance at a happy ending.

I took off a week from work at the promise he would be spending his vacation in October with me. Here I am on the second day of my vacation, and I haven't heard from him in over 48 hours. When he called me last time he told me he would come down here on Friday. It's Friday, and here I sit all alone with a clean house, candles lit, and I am blogging all alone. I understand if he doesn't want to be with me, or see me anymore. I understand if he justs wants to give up on this. I even understand if he wants to just come down and not see me... but fucking man up and tell me that. Yes, I will be pissed. Yes, I will be hurt, and yes I will even think you are a piece of shit for many reasons... but at least I wouldn't waste my vacation time sitting around waiting for you to come visit me for five fucking minutes.

I planned this wonderful trip to Monterey. I even got a romantic suite with a fireplace. I had to cancel that. I sent my kids packing for 4 days, I told all of my co-workers, friends and family what the plan was... how do I face these people? How do I say to all of these people that I got stood up... again? How do I go back out there and get back on that horse? How do I ever learn to trust another man again? It's not going to happen now. It's never going to happen.

I am going to end up alone. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. One of my children has already grown up, and the second one is rapidly approaching adulthood. Then what? I sit and talk to my hamster?

Waiting...

I had a really good week last week with SG. We had good conversations, he told me how beautiful I was and even how much he missed me. It was almost like he was "Normal" again. Things were good.

I blurted out the L word on his voice mail the other day. He hadn't said anything about it until a couple of days ago. It didn't worry me much, since things were better, and I know he is crazy about me. For the first time in a long time I don't need to hear it. I think either I am evolving or he let's me know how much he cares in other ways and that's ok now.

I don't really feel like I am in limbo anymore. It's more just a feeling of waiting. There are still days when I question if I should be waiting, and then I breathe, remember that we are still getting to know one another and this is really a good thing, and remember that I am one day closer to being with the man I adore.

I figure if we can make it through all of this, then we are destined to be together. Life is still good.

Just Breathe

I have this friend, who amazes me on a daily basis. I think the world of her. Why? Because she always knows what to say at all the right times, and never sugar coats it. If I am being a dumb ass, she tells me. She knows I am most likely not going to listen, but that's ok because she will be there to pick up the pieces when I fall apart.

When this weekend started I was really poopy. It would have been really easy to get down and feel lonely and eat pints of ice cream and sleep all day. However, on my way home from work I heard a song that reminded me that no matter what happens everything would be ok. "Breathe" by Anna Nalick was my soundtrack this weekend. I listened to it over and over and over and over on Friday night.

Then it hit me Friday night on the 40th play... why not do something different? Why not work out every time I feel lonely, or sad. Why not do something that feels better, inside and out? Well here it is, day three of this new attitude and I feel pretty good. I have lost 4 pounds, I have more energy, and eventually I will look better. Why didn't I do this sooner? Every time I feel like I can't do one more sit up... I hear my friend saying "just breathe" and I can always do one more.

SG even called me three times today. We talked and talked, and laughed... I mean I really laughed. I felt like it was a wonderful conversation, and I was reminded again why I have fallen for him. I told him about my plan to lose weight, and he was supportive without making me feel like if I didn't lose weight he wouldn't like me as much. He sure has moments of greatness. I'm happy just taking one day at a time learning everything there is to know about him.

Tonight, life is good...

Reflections

As I look back over the last six weeks I smile a lot.

6 weeks ago I was just recently out of a really bad relationship that ended even worse. I was feeling pretty crappy about myself and the world in general. I had been out on a couple of dates that were nice, but they didn't have the qualities I was looking for in a partner.

When SG came along I found someone who had all those qualities. He's handsome of course, but it's so much more than that. The compassion this man has for children, and animals is amazing. He would make a great role model for my kids, and any future children. That's an important trait in a man, compassion. I think women overlook that when they seek out a partner. They want cute and funny. SG is definitely funny in a silly way (which I adore), but it's so much more than that. He knows how to make me laugh, even when I want to cry. He knows how to make other people laugh all the time, and that's another good quality. I think the thing that draws me to him the most is the fact that he takes his job seriously and is a hard worker. It shows me that no matter what job he was doing he would do his best, and he would be able to take care of his family. He's a good boy with a wild side. I like that... a nice happy balance.

Right now I have to hang on to that. I have to remember what the last 6 weeks have been like for us. I have to remember that we are really good for one another. I have to remember that all things are possible, and I am on God's time table. Would I like everything to be working on our happily ever after now? Of course I would, but I think taking this one day at a time is better for both of us right now. Nothing good comes easy... this is going to take some work to get to the point where we can be together, but as a team we can do that! I believe in SG.

As Insanity Creeps in...

A Three day weekend with NOTHING to do. I made sure I was free all weekend to spend time with SG. Then when he said he wasn't coming it was too late to plan anything. All of my friends are coupled up, and doing couples things, and the other friends are out of town. This sucks! I'm sure he's having a grand time barbecuing for the neighbors or riding his little ass off. He's obviously too busy to call me since he hasn't called all day. I broke down and called him but he didn't answer, and he hasn't called back. I knew he had to chill out around the ex but I feel like he's over me and that breaks my heart.

I worked out this morning for the first time in a long time. I really overdid it. I'll probably do it again tonight, and I have hardly eaten in the past week. Yesterday my diet consisted of half a coffee, and a banana. Today I have had a slice of vegetable Pizza, a rice cake, and some water.

He claims he is going to come see me in 6 weeks. If he does I want to have lost a ton of weight. I am tired of being overweight. I feel like that's the reason I still don't have my happy ending. I am not getting any younger and I am certainly not getting any prettier. SG has even stopped calling me beautiful.

I haven't been this damn depressed since I moved here... I just sometimes wonder if I will ever be happy.

Disappointment

I woke up this morning thinking that in a few hours SG would be here with me and I would feel so much better about us. Then of course, he called me and told me that he would not be coming down. He just couldn't afford it. My immediate thought was... "well maybe if you didn't blow a shit load of money on a bike last week you could have". Instead I just sat there in complete disbelief. The tears came once more, and I was silent.

I suddenly went into my "He is man therefore he is evil like all the others" mood... It made me slightly crazy. I wanted to call him and scream at him. I believed he just didn't want to come see me. I have too many books that say if a man wants to be with you he will move Heaven & Earth to get to you. I feel so foolish. I wanted to believe that it was only about the money but after talking to him I can't help but wonder if it's not more than that. I want to trust him, but I have such huge walls built from all the pain over the years, that I am not sure if I can let my guard down 100% in this complicated situation. Especially when he tells me he realizes the gravity of his situation, and is now thinking how this isn't fair to me. Well... no shit Sherlock... however... It's too late to go back. I don't do second chances. It's either we move forward or nothing again, ever! I know what I want... and it doesn't include ex's for the next 2 years.

He claims the distance is only due to the fact that when he is at home he needs to keep the peace. I do understand that. I mean I don't want his ex to think I am the reason he broke up with her, and I certainly don't want her to think he cheated, because he didn't. Then there is the fact that neither of us want to flaunt this in front of her. I hate drama, and that would create drama... for him. However, there is still a part of me that wants ALL of him... not just part of the time, and I hate feeling like I am sneaking around. I think this would all be so much better if he lived on his own. Right now that's impossible so I have to deal with this as long as I can. Although the thought of doing this for years makes me want to throw myself in front of a bus.

Then when I think about him not being in my life I can't hold back the tears. I feel like a part of me would just be so lost. I feel like I found someone who really does make my life better.

I always said I would make a change in my living situation for the right person... Is that the answer? Do I make the sacrifice? Is the reward really worth it? I guess that's what I have to decide.

The good news is being unable to eat all the time is great for my figure!
*sigh*