Listening to Sappy Songs...

...Really doesn't help.

I finally heard from SG last week. I was too crushed to write about it when it happened and I guess I felt like if I didn't blog about it, maybe it wasn't really happening. When he called I went cold and felt sick to my stomach. How could he call me after 6 days, and a ruined vacation? What would he actually have to say? I thought for sure I would never hear from him again.

He claimed his phone had gotten lost and a bunch of other excuses that I don't believe. I now know the truth just from talking to him. He started off telling me that he was going back to his ex because she had built her life around him, and he hadn't really given 100% and that wasn't fair. That my reader(s) is total bullshit. He's scared she's going to pull out of the house, and leave him stuck with a proverbial albatross. I told him exactly what I believed and he didn't deny it. It said he feels like he is in prison, and it's not fair to me. He's right. I knew that we couldn't be together right now, but I had hoped that some miracle would happen and we could be together sooner rather than later. Instead he chose to push me away. I know in his heart he didn't mean to hurt me, he was just scared and overwhelmed and thought he was doing what was best for me. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. It's not for me to say. I know he doesn't want to see me run off into the sunset with someone else, and I know that I have to give him the distance he needs, but I miss him so very much.

I didn't back down though. I told him just how much he had hurt me, and how he made me look like a fool. He said he understood why I would hate him. However, I don't hate him. I love him. I still love him. I didn't love the one before... I just fell in love with the idea of him, because when the Brit left, I wasn't crushed. This time... I am. I ache for my friend, and the person I grew to love so quickly. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart and I am angry. I am angry that he chose to stay with her... not because he went back to her... but because I know in his heart he wants me.. and he will hurt her. I actually feel more sorry for her than I do myself. She thinks he is back in her life, and they are going to live happily ever after in this nice big house, with their dog... He won't stay. He will always be looking for "something else". If it's not me, then it will be someone else. You can't build a life on a lie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting involved with him, I am sorry for letting my guard down. I am sorry for letting myself get so unabashedly hurt that I can't get through a day without crying, and listening to "All By Myself" over and over. I'm sorry I didn't run to his door when he lived here and throw my arms around him and tell him I thought he was amazing.

The sad thing is I met someone, local, and available just a day ago. We went out and had a real date. We had a great date actually. We spent the day together at The Colony Days parade, lunch, and then we met up later to go out because he wanted to hear me sing. He seems nice and REALLY interested. He wanted to see me again tonight so I invited him to church, and he came along. We had a nice time, and I know that he wanted to do something after, but I turned him down. As much as I wanted to I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I would hurt SG if I went out with someone else. I know that it's crazy. I know I need to get out there and get over SG... but I don't want to. I don't want to get OVER him. I don't want him to get over me. I want to open my door and see him living in #4.

What I really want... is a magic wand.

I Should Have Known Better

Once Again a fool...

I feel so insanely depressed right now. You know I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I'm not sure what's worse... feeling like the person you love doesn't even care about you anymore, or having to face everyone of your friends and family, and telling them that yet again you made a mistake when it came to a man. I really believed he was a chance at a happy ending.

I took off a week from work at the promise he would be spending his vacation in October with me. Here I am on the second day of my vacation, and I haven't heard from him in over 48 hours. When he called me last time he told me he would come down here on Friday. It's Friday, and here I sit all alone with a clean house, candles lit, and I am blogging all alone. I understand if he doesn't want to be with me, or see me anymore. I understand if he justs wants to give up on this. I even understand if he wants to just come down and not see me... but fucking man up and tell me that. Yes, I will be pissed. Yes, I will be hurt, and yes I will even think you are a piece of shit for many reasons... but at least I wouldn't waste my vacation time sitting around waiting for you to come visit me for five fucking minutes.

I planned this wonderful trip to Monterey. I even got a romantic suite with a fireplace. I had to cancel that. I sent my kids packing for 4 days, I told all of my co-workers, friends and family what the plan was... how do I face these people? How do I say to all of these people that I got stood up... again? How do I go back out there and get back on that horse? How do I ever learn to trust another man again? It's not going to happen now. It's never going to happen.

I am going to end up alone. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. One of my children has already grown up, and the second one is rapidly approaching adulthood. Then what? I sit and talk to my hamster?