Disappointment

I woke up this morning thinking that in a few hours SG would be here with me and I would feel so much better about us. Then of course, he called me and told me that he would not be coming down. He just couldn't afford it. My immediate thought was... "well maybe if you didn't blow a shit load of money on a bike last week you could have". Instead I just sat there in complete disbelief. The tears came once more, and I was silent.

I suddenly went into my "He is man therefore he is evil like all the others" mood... It made me slightly crazy. I wanted to call him and scream at him. I believed he just didn't want to come see me. I have too many books that say if a man wants to be with you he will move Heaven & Earth to get to you. I feel so foolish. I wanted to believe that it was only about the money but after talking to him I can't help but wonder if it's not more than that. I want to trust him, but I have such huge walls built from all the pain over the years, that I am not sure if I can let my guard down 100% in this complicated situation. Especially when he tells me he realizes the gravity of his situation, and is now thinking how this isn't fair to me. Well... no shit Sherlock... however... It's too late to go back. I don't do second chances. It's either we move forward or nothing again, ever! I know what I want... and it doesn't include ex's for the next 2 years.

He claims the distance is only due to the fact that when he is at home he needs to keep the peace. I do understand that. I mean I don't want his ex to think I am the reason he broke up with her, and I certainly don't want her to think he cheated, because he didn't. Then there is the fact that neither of us want to flaunt this in front of her. I hate drama, and that would create drama... for him. However, there is still a part of me that wants ALL of him... not just part of the time, and I hate feeling like I am sneaking around. I think this would all be so much better if he lived on his own. Right now that's impossible so I have to deal with this as long as I can. Although the thought of doing this for years makes me want to throw myself in front of a bus.

Then when I think about him not being in my life I can't hold back the tears. I feel like a part of me would just be so lost. I feel like I found someone who really does make my life better.

I always said I would make a change in my living situation for the right person... Is that the answer? Do I make the sacrifice? Is the reward really worth it? I guess that's what I have to decide.

The good news is being unable to eat all the time is great for my figure!
*sigh*