Distance...

There is more than just miles between SG and I tonight.

I think that confrontation I had been dreading, came about 4pm this afternoon. I sat there in my office when he told me the words that cut me so deep I thought I was going to faint. "I don't think I can ever live in that town again". I could feel the burning in my eyes as the tears welled up, and started to stream down my cheeks and on to the desk. I could literally feel my Happily ever After slipping right out of my hands. The ache I felt hurt so bad I couldn't hold back the sobbing. I tried. I really did try. I didn't want him to know that he had hurt me. I sat there stunned and grieving for a relationship that never got a start. He back peddled but the words were out. They were said, and as long as he was living in another state, with his ex, I would always have that doubt that he meant what he said.

He said the grief he feels over losing his mother is too much while he is here. I understand that. I truly do, but I was angry that he didn't tell me this sooner. Maybe he didn't even know, and I can't hate him for being a man with feelings and emotions. The one thing women want is a man with a heart, so how come when I get one, it's used against me.

I could have dealt with all of that... but it got worse. He mentioned his dog, and how he couldn't bring him here, and he couldn't do that. So... now I am dumped for a dog? Another woman, grief, I am a shrew, I am too fat... all of those things I can handle. I can grieve and move on from just about anything... but not this dog thing again. I dated a man who put his dog before me all the time, he even let the beast sleep in the bed BETWEEN us... and now SG can't be with "The Woman He Is Crazy About" Because of a D O G? Do you know how badly that made me feel? The shred of self esteem I had left at that point went scampering off tied to his dog's collar. I wanted to die right there. How could I even tell all of my friends and family that the reason we aren't together is because he chose a dog over me? How can I ever get over that? I will always have this horrible taste in my mouth now when I think of even trying to date a man with a dog. I mean, I understand that's NOT the only reason... but it's just another ridiculous roadblock on the path to our happy ending.

The conversation went from horrible to me being catty and making comments I should never have made. I was hurting. I was so very upset. I wanted to smash everything on my desk. Not because SG hurt me, but because *I* let him. I believed it when he said he was crazy about me. I believed it when he said he thought I was beautiful. I believed him when he said he wanted to move here and be with me. I really thought that we were meant to be together, and this was finally the one guy who wouldn't trample all over my heart, like the others before.

He didn't hit me like some of the others but I wish he had. At least when they do that, you can hate them, and move on and get out of the depression. With a wonderful guy, you never really get over them I don't think. It's almost September and I haven't had one decent relationship this year... I give up. I guess I am never gonna have that happy ending. How can I ever trust anyone again? I can't even trust my own judgement at this point.

So what do I do? play pretend girlfriend for the next two years and wait until the market gets better... and HOPE he actually sells his house? Then HOPE he can move here (and stand it) so we can be together? Then what about the dog... in two years I imagine the attachment would be even worse... I just hope that he gets over all of his roadblocks? Then what if he doesn't? I have wasted another two years... I've never been a gambler. I don't think I can roll those dice with those odds. I think I have a better chance of finding a man who will be a nice companion, that I don't hate, that would actually be proud to be with me, than wait around for a man who would rather live with his dog and ex.

When I type this all out it sounds good in my head... but my heart says something entirely different.