Up & Down

I feel like I am on the roller coaster from hell. I go from feeling happy, and giddy to emotional and cranky all in the same day.

I usually look forward to the morning call from SG, I am on my way to Starbucks, and he is on his way to work, and we chat about how we slept, how our days are going to go, and then maybe we flirt a bit. Today I didn't want him to call me. Maybe he sensed it since he hasn't called me all day since our morning talk. I woke up feeling depressed, and frustrated. When we had our last phone call of the night last night, he told me he was going to go have "a big talk" with his ex. They haven't talked about living arrangements. They haven't talked about what they are going to do with the house, the furniture, and the dog. They both just keep avoiding that. I know how she feels, she is feeling like if she doesn't have the talk, it won't really happen. However, I try to understand his hesitation, but I don't. I want him to WANT to move back home so we can start our life together. I want him to WANT to make arrangements to get out of this situation, but I feel like there is some reason he hasn't done it. As usual, the conversation did not take place between he and the ex... and this forces me back into "limbo-land". This is a dark place for me.

I hate "limbo-land". I can't really think about our future, because at this point I don't feel like "our future" is his priority. This makes me feel anxious. I am caught at a point where my heart tells me he is amazing, he won't hurt me, he is serious about me, and he REALLY wants to be with me. However my head tells me that if he were serious, he would have done something about it. He would want to make a change in order to be with me... and since he hasn't, maybe he isn't as serious as I thought. I can't really move on with him, and it makes me feel anxious and angry. I have always said I won't make a man my entire world ever again, because when you get hurt it shatters you for a really long time, and you lose a piece of yourself to that shattered depression and anger. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to resent him or his actions, but I do. I feel like I am wasting my time. Why should he make a change? He has his house, and dog, and he has my heart, and he doesn't even have to make a commitment. That was my fault. I said I would take things one day at a time... and I am still willing to do that, but each day that goes by that I see him not getting out of his situation makes me ache deep down inside. That little twinge of doubt grows with each passing day.

Then there is the fact that we can't be "official" we can't really be out in the open with this until he makes some changes because I choose not to have drama, and make people think that we were having some big affair, when we weren't. I hate that, it makes me feel like his dirty little secret. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

I can't live like this. I cry myself to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow will be another day without the man I so desperately want.