I Should Have Known Better

Once Again a fool...

I feel so insanely depressed right now. You know I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I'm not sure what's worse... feeling like the person you love doesn't even care about you anymore, or having to face everyone of your friends and family, and telling them that yet again you made a mistake when it came to a man. I really believed he was a chance at a happy ending.

I took off a week from work at the promise he would be spending his vacation in October with me. Here I am on the second day of my vacation, and I haven't heard from him in over 48 hours. When he called me last time he told me he would come down here on Friday. It's Friday, and here I sit all alone with a clean house, candles lit, and I am blogging all alone. I understand if he doesn't want to be with me, or see me anymore. I understand if he justs wants to give up on this. I even understand if he wants to just come down and not see me... but fucking man up and tell me that. Yes, I will be pissed. Yes, I will be hurt, and yes I will even think you are a piece of shit for many reasons... but at least I wouldn't waste my vacation time sitting around waiting for you to come visit me for five fucking minutes.

I planned this wonderful trip to Monterey. I even got a romantic suite with a fireplace. I had to cancel that. I sent my kids packing for 4 days, I told all of my co-workers, friends and family what the plan was... how do I face these people? How do I say to all of these people that I got stood up... again? How do I go back out there and get back on that horse? How do I ever learn to trust another man again? It's not going to happen now. It's never going to happen.

I am going to end up alone. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. One of my children has already grown up, and the second one is rapidly approaching adulthood. Then what? I sit and talk to my hamster?